Being a mother is tough stuff! There are many joys and there are many, many heartaches. There is this constant feeling that you are not doing enough and are making more mistakes than strides. Sigh. It’s enough to break my heart.
I have been weak this past week. It’s been a hard week. I rarely let on to others where my struggles are in any given moment. I try to be constantly moving forward and upward. But even that takes its toll.
Almost one year ago, I decided that I needed to spend more time with my children. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I felt that I needed to be more present in their lives and that my own life needed a boost by being with my children. Well, that decision certainly has been an amusement park ride! There have been highs and lows and even lowers and some stall outs and some stops and some giggles. Amidst it all I have NEVER questioned the inspiration I received to be at home more with my children. NEVER. I did wonder, however, if my choice for my career was as inspired (working from home). I know that it is, but there are times, like this past week, where I begin to wonder.
Deflated. That would be the word that I felt this week. I feel like I should be more, be doing more, be a better mother, network more, smile more, dance more, exercise more, clean more, write more, study more, cuddle more, and overall make life MORE uplifting, joyous and fun for my kids and family. And guess what? The only thing that really happened was I was MORE deflated. Life with my kids seems to take away from my studies (my schoolwork). Life with my schoolwork takes away from my kids and family. All of this takes away from my writing. My writing takes away from my housework and exercise. All of this takes away from my overall happiness. Sigh!!! Things were so bad that my husband wondered if he should have come home from work to help me with the kids (as this is Spring Break week). I mean, I was in a terrible place. LOTS of tears were falling*. (luckily they were all mine…for now)
I realized that I have had the wonderful opportunity to see where I am going and see what I am meant, designed and created to be! And yet, I am not quite there. I am on the path, but my footsteps are timid at times. Trepid movements toward something more. Sometimes I get scared. Scared that I misunderstood the inspiration. Scared that I am not really supposed to be so successful. Scared that I am being selfish. Scared that no one will care. *it’s easy to see the DEFLATION process in effect here*
And then I realize, “oh that cunning plan of the devil”…to tempt me with doubt! Sometimes that is all he can do – tempt us to doubt ourselves. He knows how magnificent we are to be. He knows that we are already stronger because we are here! So he leaves us doubting. Are we good enough? What if no one cares? If you do this, then you’ll be less-than for your family, or your school work, or less of a person. Well, to him I say, “you don’t even have a face! So…I’ll thank you to get outta mine.” Okay, I don’t really say that, but isn’t that the truth? He has none of what we have. None of it. Including a face! He has no family. No inspiration. Hope. Dreams. Testimony. Faith. All he has is the worst job in the world… “to bring the children of God down to hell.” Well, I will not let him take me. I was given specific inspiration so that I would know what I am supposed to do for my family and for myself. I know that the pathway that I am on, while still CHALLENGING, is the right pathway. If this is my knowledge, brought to me by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, why then am I walking with timid steps towards what I know will be success? Fear does settle in sometimes, but fear has no place where there is hope and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I know who I am. I know God’s Plan. I know that He has a plan for me and I was privileged to witness just a piece of it. Therefore, I will go and do the things that the Lord has commanded me because I know the Lord gives no commandments except He shall prepare a way that they may be accomplished. Boy, it is awesome when you can apply the scriptures to your life!
So, here I am. Ready, willing and able to do better and to be more. Not more than anyone else, but more than I am now because I know that I am blessed and was sent here to do many wonderful and great things! Off I go!
*I should note that in that moment, described above, when I was in that “terrible” place, I could only eek out a very weak plea to my Father in Heaven to “help me”. I was so low and so deflated that I didn’t even know what would help me. But I testify that almost immediately after uttering my plea, I felt lifted up. I felt just enough energy to get through the tasks for the day without much upset or tears. I felt that if I kept moving I would be okay. I did not have the energy or desire to do a single thing that morning, but after my plea for help, I was able to do all the housework that I felt looming over my head for three days. I was still weak and I still needed to work through some things and manage my time and tasks better, but in the very moment when I was at my lowest point and all my heart could do was plea to my Father in Heaven, HE WAS THERE! I will never doubt his love for me. He is ever present in my life, especially when I invite Him in.
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