Feeling Deflated, Finding Hope

Being a mother is tough stuff!  There are many joys and there are many, many heartaches.  There is this constant feeling that you are not doing enough and are making more mistakes than strides.  Sigh.  It’s enough to break my heart. 

I have been weak this past week.  It’s been a hard week.  I rarely let on to others where my struggles are in any given moment.  I try to be constantly moving forward and upward.  But even that takes its toll. 

Almost one year ago, I decided that I needed to spend more time with my children.  I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I felt that I needed to be more present in their lives and that my own life needed a boost by being with my children.  Well, that decision certainly has been an amusement park ride!  There have been highs and lows and even lowers and some stall outs and some stops and some giggles.  Amidst it all I have NEVER questioned the inspiration I received to be at home more with my children.  NEVER.  I did wonder, however, if my choice for my career was as inspired (working from home).  I know that it is, but there are times, like this past week, where I begin to wonder. 

Deflated.  That would be the word that I felt this week.  I feel like I should be more, be doing more, be a better mother, network more, smile more, dance more, exercise more, clean more, write more, study more, cuddle more, and overall make life MORE uplifting, joyous and fun for my kids and family.  And guess what?  The only thing that really happened was I was MORE deflated.  Life with my kids seems to take away from my studies (my schoolwork).  Life with my schoolwork takes away from my kids and family.  All of this takes away from my writing.  My writing takes away from my housework and exercise.  All of this takes away from my overall happiness.  Sigh!!!  Things were so bad that my husband wondered if he should have come home from work to help me with the kids (as this is Spring Break week).  I mean, I was in a terrible place.  LOTS of tears were falling*. (luckily they were all mine…for now)

I realized that I have had the wonderful opportunity to see where I am going and see what I am meant, designed and created to be!  And yet, I am not quite there.  I am on the path, but my footsteps are timid at times. Trepid movements toward something more.  Sometimes I get scared.  Scared that I misunderstood the inspiration.  Scared that I am not really supposed to be so successful.  Scared that I am being selfish.  Scared that no one will care.  *it’s easy to see the DEFLATION process in effect here* 

And then I realize, “oh that cunning plan of the devil”…to tempt me with doubt!  Sometimes that is all he can do – tempt us to doubt ourselves.  He knows how magnificent we are to be.  He knows that we are already stronger because we are here!  So he leaves us doubting.  Are we good enough?  What if no one cares?  If you do this, then you’ll be less-than for your family, or your school work, or less of a person.  Well, to him I say, “you don’t even have a face! So…I’ll thank you to get outta mine.”  Okay, I don’t really say that, but isn’t that the truth?  He has none of what we have.  None of it.  Including a face!  He has no family.  No inspiration. Hope. Dreams.  Testimony.  Faith.  All he has is the worst job in the world… “to bring the children of God down to hell.”   Well, I will not let him take me.  I was given specific inspiration so that I would know what I am supposed to do for my family and for myself. I know that the pathway that I am on, while still CHALLENGING, is the right pathway.  If this is my knowledge, brought to me by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, why then am I walking with timid steps towards what I know will be success?  Fear does settle in sometimes, but fear has no place where there is hope and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I know who I am.  I know God’s Plan.  I know that He has a plan for me and I was privileged to witness just a piece of it.  Therefore, I will go and do the things that the Lord has commanded me because I know the Lord gives no commandments except He shall prepare a way that they may be accomplished.  Boy, it is awesome when you can apply the scriptures to your life!

So, here I am.  Ready, willing and able to do better and to be more.  Not more than anyone else, but more than I am now because I know that I am blessed and was sent here to do many wonderful and great things!  Off I go!


*I should note that in that moment, described above, when I was in that “terrible” place, I could only eek out a very weak plea to my Father in Heaven to “help me”.  I was so low and so deflated that I didn’t even know what would help me.  But I testify that almost immediately after uttering my plea, I felt lifted up.  I felt just enough energy to get through the tasks for the day without much upset or tears.  I felt that if I kept moving I would be okay.  I did not have the energy or desire to do a single thing that morning, but after my plea for help, I was able to do all the housework that I felt looming over my head for three days.  I was still weak and I still needed to work through some things and manage my time and tasks better, but in the very moment when I was at my lowest point and all my heart could do was plea to my Father in Heaven, HE WAS THERE!  I will never doubt his love for me.  He is ever present in my life, especially when I invite Him in.

Why Do Mother's Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart the place where love resides."

Now this story was clearly written by someone and it does not have any doctrinal proof that this is, in fact, how women were created; however, for most who read this, especially women and mothers, it touches us in our hearts.  I believe it touches us in our hearts because it is our Father in Heaven letting us know that yes, we were created differently and for a special purpose.  We should not try to be the same as all the other children of God, always trying to be equal.  We were created for a wise and separate purpose.  We should be engaged in the same purposes as others, however, including uplifting others, our children and those with whom we serve and help them to feel of the love that their Father in Heaven has for them. 

As a mother of four – 3 boys (2 of whom are teenagers) and a daughter – I have shed many, many tears.  These tears have been for a variety of reasons, including feeling hurt or disappointment in their decisions, words and actions.  I have been engaged in long prayers with my Father in Heaven for an understanding of how I am to parent “this child” because I am feeling so hurt or sad or frustrated.  Amazingly enough, the answers are always the same.  “Love him.”  “Serve him.”  Invariably I find that those words that echoed through my mind and heart were just the right things to do.  While it didn’t “fix” my child(ren), it did strengthen me.  It uplifted me to be the mother that I was created to be. 

I do not know if my children will ever know of the many hours I have spent on my knees or with my head bowed in pleading supplication to the Lord for His strengthening power to get through the day and to be a “good mother”.  Perhaps they will never know how much I ached with them and for them in the quiet of my own room.  Perhaps they will not know the number of times I negotiated with the Lord to allow me to take on their pain so that they would be spared.  And perhaps they will never know the number of times I asked the Lord to distance the memory of their mother losing her patience from their sweet minds.  But I do know that it is my job, as their mother, to bear all of these things FOR them and to tell them EVERY DAY that I love them and that they are extraordinary children of God.  If this is all that they know and all that they learn from me then I will have done my duty - as a mother - well, and I can return with honor. 

To my children…I love you.