One
very important skill-set is the ability to set limits for children in
effective, non-threatening ways that will reduce inappropriate behaviors.
When to Set a
Limit
Generally,
when a child’s behavior is inappropriate, dangerous or potentially dangerous,
it is vital to quickly clarify for the child what alternative behavior we
expect. Before you set a limit for a
child, it is important to think the situation through and ask yourself the
following questions:
·
What
appropriate behavior should replace
the current inappropriate behavior?
·
What
will I do if the child ignores or defies me?
Do I have the means to enforce the limit I am setting?
·
If
the child defies this limit, will he endanger himself or others? A limit should not be set so “close to the
edge” that a child’s crossing it will jeopardize his or another’s safety. Give yourself enough room when you set a
limit.
Listed
below are some effective ways to set limits, as well as some ineffective “limit
setting” techniques to avoid. There are,
unfortunately, no foolproof techniques that work in every situation or with
every child. You will need to be
creative and experiment with many techniques to arrive at a style of limit
setting that is comfortable for you, yet effective and safe for the child.
Effective
ways to set limits:
Persuading: Point out the positive
aspects of the desired behavior – instead of feeling pushed by you, the child
may feel pulled toward the desired behavior because of its attractiveness.
Praising:
Describe the
specific behavior you like, not the child’s whole personality, e.g., “The
colors in your picture are bright and happy.”
Resolving
disagreement:
Both parties should focus on explaining what needs of theirs are not being met,
as well as listening to the need and views of the other person. The intent of the meeting should not be to
hurt, blame or win.
Modeling:
Set an example
for the child to imitate.
Distancing:
Know when you
are too upset to handle the situation yourself.
If a child is just trying to get your attention, try leaving the
immediate scene (do not leave a child without supervision) if the behavior is
not going to be harmful.
Ignoring:
Ignore
undesirable behavior (if not harmful) – Reward desired behavior with your
attention.
Be
respectful of the child: Always
try to discipline a child in private.
Prompting: Give a verbal
or nonverbal cue or signal the desirable behavior, i.e., “Jimmy, what do you
need to do at 5 o’clock?”
Let
go of the
child’s mistakes/problems. Leave it in
the past. Don’t keep reminding the child
of the mistake.
Contracting:
A formal
written agreement between child and parent that spells out specific desired
behaviors, as well as rewards or consequences.
Rewarding:
Provide a
reward for the desired behavior – the reward is to be eventually eliminated.
Provide
an explanation:
For a rule or consequence – why it is necessary. Do not debate the issue.
Redirecting: Suggest another activity or
ask a question. Re-channel the child’s energies
into a more socially acceptable behavior.
Confronting:
Tell a child
in a very clear way just how his behavior is causing you a problem and how you
feel about the misbehavior (The goal is not to hurt the child or get back at
them). Use “I” statements (e.g., "I felt disappointed when you didn't follow-thru on mowing the lawn, per our agreement).
Establishing
routines: Children
thrive on consistency and predictability.
They are happier when they know what to expect.
Maintain
self-control: Make
sure you are in control of your emotions when disciplining a child.
Loss
of privileges: For
an hour or 1-2 days, not for a month.
(Privileges should never be related to food, sleep or physical or
emotional needs.)
Restitution:
Make the
consequence relate to the act, e.g., make a child apologize after he has teased
or insulted a peer or sibling, require teens to clean up a school building
after an act of vandalism.
Immediate
consequences: Consequences
should be immediate, related to the act, and of short duration. If consequences are prolonged, the child may
become resentful and act out because of the desire for revenge.
Ineffective
ways to set limits:
1.
Threats
·
Do
not threaten a child verbally or with gestures.
·
Do
not threaten children with abandonment, withdrawal of affection or a time-out
or any other consequence.
2.
Put Downs
·
Insults
·
Direct
name-calling
·
Swearing
/ Cursing
·
Negative
use of sarcasm
·
Over-generalizing
·
Negative
prophecy
·
Negative
comparison
·
Hostile
statements
·
Shaming
guilt
3.
Interrogating
4.
Preaching / Lecturing
5.
Bossing
6.
Shrieking, yelling, shouting, loss of control, adult temper
tantrums, raising your voice
7.
Prolonged silent treatment
8.
Public criticism, talking about the child to
another child
9.
Nagging
10. Harping
– repeatedly bringing
up the same incident
11. Begging
or Pleading
12. Bribery
13. Insisting
on blind obedience –
“Do it because I said so.”
14. Sneaky
violence –
pulling hair, squeezing arm
15. Inconsistent
consequences
16. Failing
to carry out consequences –
(because child cries or whines)
17. No
control – just
letting anything happen or Over control
– power struggling
18. Overreacting
19. Withholding
a child’s meals
20. Sending
a child to bed early
– this makes going to bed a negative experience
21. Consequences
of long duration
As is often the case, after
reading through a list of things “not to do”, we find that we may have engaged
in many, if not all of these “Ineffective” ways of dealing with a child’s
inappropriate behavior. If this is the
case, the first thing to do is take a deep breath and understand that all
parents and caregivers make mistakes. A
good parent is not one who never makes mistakes, but rather one who
acknowledges them and then humbly apologizes and seeks to repair the relationship
with the child.
The next step is to identify
the things that you need to stop doing, immediately. Next, identify two or three items from the “Effective”
list that you would feel comfortable using.
If you have a spouse or close friend, discuss some of these
interventions with them to get a clear idea on the best way to use them with
children of different ages.
Finally, have a conversation
with your child (age appropriate) and acknowledge your mistakes. Include your feelings of sorrow for your
actions, but your unconditional love for your child. Depending upon your child’s age, he/she may
not fully grasp the eternal concept of humility and forgiveness, but it will be
a very important example to them for when they must apologize to you or a
sibling or friend. This simple act of
speaking to your child and acknowledging your mistakes and their feelings will
go a long way to not only help to reduce the tension in a parent-child
relationship, but it will actually help to repair it from damage caused by some
ineffective child-rearing responses.
Good luck and remember to love life through the
rain!
